By Teraysa Guinasso, MA LOALC
“Your existence has been a series of precious moments leading you right here, right now. What’s next is up to you.” -Rick Carson, Author of Taming Your Gremlin
I bet you are often the “Rock of Gibraltar” for your closest friends. Or maybe even the Zen Master of life, dispensing amazing advice for others. But when was the last time you gave yourself really good love and attention? I mean, the kind of attention a sweet friend, “not just any friend, but a super high quality friend,” would give you. You know the kind you would label BFF… the one who listens deeply with their full presence, who gives you support and encouragement with compassion and kindness, the one who has your back, and uses the sense of humor you both enjoy to cheer you up, and the one who accepts you at your worst without judgment, who is forgiving, straightforward, genuine, authentic, trustworthy and loyal, even though they know you inside and out! Yep, that’s the one, the one that loves and accepts you for you, regardless of your moods, your quirky personality du jour, or your questionable obsessions.
“Wait, what? You mean I can extend the same kind of love and attention to myself as I do to others?”
Actually, the most loving thing you can do for another is to love yourself first. I understand this seems backward and may be the opposite of what you have been taught. There’s a lot of old ideas still running around out there that have to do with being a martyr, and certainly we can feel better by thinking of another and helping them. Unfortunately this only temporarily relieves the situation. The negative thinking you have had toward yourself doesn’t fundamentally change until you truly address it, which is what really needs to happen in order to give the kind of love you most want to give. I am talking about the idea that is presented whenever we are on an airplane and they ask you to put your own mask on first and then help your child or loved one. We cannot truly help another from a healthy place if we do not take care of our self first.
In that light, I want you to know that giving yourself the love and attention you deserve is not simply a bunch of fluffy, feel-good, self-improvement hype, but a serious matter that not only affects how successful you are but can even be a matter of life and death. I know you have felt the pain of rejection, disappointment, abandonment, loneliness, heartache, and frustration, not-to-mention the agony of shame, self-degradation, and so much more. And, I am pretty sure you understand well, that these are not life-giving, life-affirming feelings that help a person to thrive and create success. That’s what makes this truly a life and death matter.
How do I know? I felt the same way. At 17 I was having suicidal thoughts. I was sad, confused and had no idea how to turn things around. Thankfully by grace, I was given a book on the Mind-Body-Spirit connection, and I began my awakening toward health, healing, and wholeness. But this is about YOU! Now I realize that you may not be suicidal, but there’s still probably a suggestion or two here that can help you feel better about yourself and allow you to experience greater success both personally and professionally.
Deep inside us, we are wired to thrive, to live the best, most enjoyable life we can. I know you remember this; how you want more for yourself – more joy, pleasure, and success, better relationships, improved efficiency and more. Right? It feels good to feel good. It feels good to love ourselves and be able to love others better because of it. It feels good to find a way to create inner harmony and peace of mind, radical self-acceptance, and to let go of all that negativity, all that mental chatter that is so full of judgment and condemnation. So, with that in mind, here are several suggestions for you to nurture the most important relationship in your life, that’s right, the one between you and your-self. First of all…
- Take Your Power Back
You were born with an abundance of self-love, we all are, but over time we are conditioned by the thoughts we have inherited from our parents, caretakers, educators, the media and society in general. Therefore, these inherited thoughts program us to believe all kinds of things that may or may not be true, and without conscious attention we become the victims of this conditioning. For example, I used to believe that I was not worthy or good enough to share my thoughts. I would be frightened to speak in front of a group and my heart would race uncontrollably and I wasn’t even sure why. Once I began to look at my beliefs I realized I bought into all sorts of limiting thoughts that I could eventually re-frame or release.
You see, we often have patterns of thoughts and feelings that have become ingrained and we are not even aware that they exist. So now it is time to take the reins into your own hands, take your life back, take your power back and become a creator instead of a victim!
Start by imagining yourself as a warrior goddess (or god) ready to fight for your life, because you know what? You are! See yourself as your own guardian and protector, standing in front of the current you. This wiser part of you is strong, valiant, and creates a safe place for you to empower your current self. She/He stands at the door, staff in hand, keeping others out while you take time to nourish your body, mind and soul. While in your private protected place you begin to feed yourself positive thoughts that support you. You practice what it might feel like if you were already in love with yourself. You begin to appreciate your body and all that it allows you to experience. You spend quiet time connecting with the deep unconditional love that your Source has for you. And with this you begin to regain your strength.
- Begin a Practice of Self-Inquiry and Journaling
Get yourself a special journal and begin to ask yourself deep and meaningful questions. Later on in this report I’ll give you some good ones to ask. You can also try talking to your higher wiser Self and ask it your questions and then begin to free write whatever answers you imagine it might have for you. The more you can relax and just let the writing flow the more surprises of inner wisdom you may receive. I have gotten a great deal of unthought-of insight through this process. Plus I found that it strengthened my relationship to Source. Another thing I did was saw a life coach and wrote out what I was learning from our sessions. I have found that having a great coach that knows just what questions to ask, helping your draw out you own inner wisdom, can be invaluable!
- Realize We Create by Awareness and Choice
Just like a painter paints a picture, she chooses the colors and where to put them and if she is talented she plays a game with herself. Listening to her inner guidance, her intuition, she may go astray from her preconceived plan and place a color where she now feels it could go instead of the original place she had planned for. In this way she becomes a co-creator with her “Higher Self”, her Source, her Wise One (or whatever you want to call it). It becomes this lovely dance between form (the plan for the painting) and flow (whatever is arising). In fact, everything that is created comes from, and needs, both of these energies. One is male: the form, the structure, the boundaries, and one is female: the flow, the freedom, the spontaneity. Both energies live within us all. You are just like the painter, “the artist” creating this amazing full color painting, only your work of art is your LIFE!
- Take Responsibility for Your Choices
We are responsible for what we create by virtue of the choices we make. Experts agree, taking responsibility for your choices is extremely important. At some point we need to stop thinking that the answers are outside of us and we need to realize we are the ones we have been waiting for and that we have the answers we need inside. We also need to stop blaming others for our behaviors and/or, like we discussed earlier, our beliefs. The very nature of our unconscious mind is that we are not aware of it operating in the background. In choosing to be a conscious creator, you begin to take action with as much awareness as possible, thus allowing you to create the life of your dreams. You know, the one full of success.
People often think: “But wait a second, I didn’t choose to lose this race or to get sick or to get divorced.” And of course I understand it may not seem that way. But just for a moment, let’s consider the possibility that you have been creating unconsciously for a very long time now. And were probably taught by parents and others who were also creating unconsciously, we all do the best we can with the information we have at the time. Our parents most likely did, as their parents before them. But all of this unconscious living creates consequences, as a natural repercussion, often ones that we would prefer not to experience. So now what do we do? First…
- Forgive Yourself, over and over again
We have all done many things without really understanding the consequences of our thoughts and actions, and maybe sometimes we even did. We are not perfect, at least in this human expression. So be gentle with yourself as you move through this, just as you would towards a good friend. And realize, this is not a quick and easy process, it takes time and courage, and dedication, maybe even some outside support. But know what? You are worth it! Even if some voice, some gremlin, inside your head says you’re not.
Learning to forgive yourself can be as simple as giving yourself a break and some loving compassion, to changing the way you think, to working deeply with the entire mind-body-spirit connection with someone like myself, a trained professional, who can lead you through exercises and processes that support you in shifting your perspective, your neurochemistry and the negative self-talk. Working with a coaching expert can really get you into a deeper place of self-love and acceptance and this changes everything.
- Cultivate The Sense That You Are Fundamentally Worthy
Your mere existence makes you just as worthy as anyone else to live a happy healthy life. That thought may take a while to sink in and your subconscious may have a field day with it, which is why I want to introduce the concept of “Taming Your Gremlin”. This is based on the work of Rick Carson who wrote a great book on the subject that I highly recommend. A gremlin is a personality that has developed over time that can make us miserable. Left to his own devices he’ll zap your health, ruin your relationships, impede your creativity, slow down your productivity, drive you into a funk and wind you up into a state of anxiety. Yikes, he/she can be a nasty little critter, and sometimes a huge overwhelming monster in the closet. The good news is that with some personal coaching he’s no match for the “real” you, or what Carson refers to as the “natural” you. Meanwhile until you decide that you want to start a coaching program to support you on your path to a healthier, happier life, I’ll give you some suggestions for working with this little booger. (p.s. He/She is formed out of those thoughts that conditioned us early on.)
- Breathe! Your breathing is a wonderful indicator and regulator of your level of peace. Try inhaling in to the count of 4 and exhaling to the count of 6. Longer exhales send a message to our brain to calm down.
- Simply notice your thoughts, feelings, fantasies, memories and assumptions. Hold the awareness that you are not your thoughts, or any of these other things.
- Remember that feeling good is an inside job. You can choose a different thought that feels better.
- Use your awareness as a spotlight whenever you choose.
- Remember you always have a choice.
- Don’t argue with your Gremlin. Simply notice him or her fully and then choose to calmly converse with them or redirect your awareness. The key is in the choosing.
- Remember your past is not attached to you. You may be holding onto it, but it is not holding on to you.
These are some gems that will give you a good start. Be patient, it takes time to retrain your brain, and diminish the power this Gremlin has had over you. So let’s look at a few more things that will help you let go of that little guy and foster this budding relationship you have with yourself.
- Ask, Who am I?
Am I my thoughts, my emotions, my body, my things? Perhaps we are the essence beyond all of that. Perhaps we are intrinsically valuable, worthwhile and worthy regardless of these things. Pause here, this is really something worth considering.
- Get to Know Yourself
Notice what you think about, what you feel, what you like and dislike. What makes you uniquely you? What excites you and turns you on? What are your talents and abilities? Do this as objectively as you can, without putting yourself down for being whatever you think you should or shouldn’t be. Consider taking a personality test on-line, like Myers-Briggs or the Enneagram or Human Design, or all of them if you want tons of insight as to how you operate.
- Get To Know Your Self, With a Capital S
I’m talking about your Higher Self, your Source. That part of you that is divine and infinite. You might start by asking yourself: Is there a Source? Do I believe in a higher power or a Higher Self that loves me unconditionally? Is there any ground for an unconditionally loving source? If I do believe, what do I believe? And Why? When was the last time I connected with it? Do I want to call it Source, Higher Power, God, Universe, Oneness, All that Is, Mother/Father, Intuition, the Great Beloved…or what?
You decide, but feel into what is right for you – travel beyond the thoughts and ideas that have been handed down to you. Consider what is life-giving for you.
For example, I went from believing in an old male guy up in the sky that judged & criticized me (Catholicism), to a young male guy that loved me unconditionally (Jesus, became “born- again”), to questioning all of that, studying psychology and eastern thought and wondering if God was outside or inside or what. Next I related to a Source that was both male and female that I would call both Mother & Father (Unity), to understanding that it is not outside but inside of me and that we are one, and that we are all part of this Oneness. (Centers for Spiritual Living). As I continued to study New Thought Ancient Wisdom (Agape International) I learned that I am not merely a human being that has had spiritual experiences but that I am a “Spiritual being having a human experience”, as Dr. Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle and Oprah all attest to. I began to integrate all of these ideas and even more, realizing the Universe is made of love, energy and vibration and that it is constantly responding to us (Law of Attraction/Abraham-Hicks). And that the essence of all faith is the same.
(I realize it’s all very personal & we are wherever we are, and believe whatever we believe. As you can see, I have been through many iterations of belief. It’s all a matter of choice even if it is something deeply engrained. All I know is, that for me, I have experienced so many miracles that I now know beyond a doubt, there’s an unconditionally loving energy on my side that wants the best for me. I have tested it out, and I encourage you to also. Want to get started? Pam Grout has written a wonderful book called E-Squared: Nine Do-It-Yourself Energy Experiments that Prove Your Thoughts Create Your Reality.)
Stop taking yourself so seriously, it allows you to open yourself up to a deeper sense of inner harmony and wholeness. Understand that no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, and we need to be as kind and compassionate with ourselves as a dear friend would be. So lighten up, it takes practice, but you can do it.
- Practice Radical Self-Acceptance and Learn to Meditate
Set realistic standards for yourself and let go of perfectionism. Have your own back and be on your own side. Talk kindly to and about yourself. If you make an error you can look at it with an understanding eye, rather than beating yourself up. A really great way to cultivate this is with a regular meditation practice where you learn to observe yourself objectively without judgment. It’s like watching a movie and instead of getting all wrapped up in the drama you just sit back and notice the story. It helps with perspective, believe me, I practice this often.
- Validate Yourself
- Live a life based on your own values (investigate what you value)
- Live in a way that’s self-constructive as opposed to self-destructive (e.g., exercising regularly, eating right, getting proper sleep, thinking healthy thoughts etc.)
- Think for yourself and choose your own path
- Do work and/or create things that are meaningful and important to you
- Take responsibility for yourself and the direction your life is going in
- Treat yourself with respect and stand up for your rights when you need to
- Create an environment that supports you and your well-being
All things being equal, who’s likelier to be enjoying their life? Someone who works at a degrading job, and whose ‘friends’ and partner constantly put them down, or someone who has supportive, encouraging people in their life? On the one hand your happiness shouldn’t depend on what other people say about you. It would be nice if we could brush aside the inaccurate, hurtful things they say. On the other hand, we’re all human, and if we’re constantly undermined and insulted it can’t help but affect us. So choose your environments, friends, lovers, and potential supporters carefully.
Wow, that’s many ways to be more successful both personally and professionally. We covered a lot of ground: Giving yourself the love and attention you deserve through forgiving yourself, practicing awareness and choice, self-inquiry, journaling, taking responsibility for your life, getting to know your gremlin and how it may be sabotaging your best efforts, cultivating a sense of worthiness, getting to really know yourself, your values, desires and your personality type, practicing radical self-acceptance, learning to meditate and how to create a healthy environment! It’s a lot, I know, but, you can do it! You can give yourself what you need! And, you don’t have to do it alone. I meant it when I said I am here to support you. I want you to be able to experience the beauty of your own magnificence, and enjoy the success that is possible.
Contact me now, by email, so we can set a time to discuss how you want to move forward in your life. (On my website you can even set up your own appointment.) Together we can strengthen the love you have for yourself, create a plan to overcome obstacles and get you to a place where you will watch your peace, joy and happiness increase exponentially! Now that’s true success. Email me at: Teraysa@Teraysa.com
“The only one standing in the way of your happiness is you.” –Once Upon a Time TV show
If you have something going on, something important for you to change… If you want to speed up your success rate, then I’d like to help you do it with a special one-on-one personal “Feel Better Now” coaching session where we’ll work together to…
- Create a crystal clear vision for “ultimate success‟ so you know exactly what you want, where you’re headed, and what you need to do to make it happen.
- Uncover hidden challenges that may be sabotaging your ability to make changes that last or that are slowing down your progress.
- Leave this session renewed, re-energized, and inspired to finally achieve the change you seek- once and for all.
If you’d like to take advantage of this very special, very limited, and totally FREE 30 minute “Feel Better Now” coaching session, just fill out the questionnaire and send it in. If there is still space available I will send you an email and we can set up an appointment.
Since we’re making this offer for the first time right now and we don’t know how intense the response will be, we can’t guarantee a coaching session for everyone.
We’ll take as many people as we can and then start a waiting list. You can expect to get contacted by our team to schedule your session within the next 3 business days.
If you don’t hear from us, it means we’ve received more requests than we can handle right now and if something opens up we’ll get in touch with you at a later time.
Again, to take advantage of this offer, simply send me an email and answer the questions listed above.
“To be a master, act like one. Assuming greatness is not phony; unworthiness is the imposter. You may have played small for a long time and fallen prey to the hallucination, “I can’t.” But behind every “can’t” is a “won’t.” When you reach the chalk circle others have drawn around you, keep walking. The moment you look a monster in the eye and demand, “Show me what you really are,” the beast will shapeshift into an ally. Emerson proclaimed, ‘Do the thing you fear, and the death of fear is certain.’ When dark and light are placed in the same room, light always wins. And because your nature is light, you will triumph over every limit you have learned.” ~ Alan Cohen
E-Squared: Nine Do-It-Yourself Energy Experiments that Prove Your Thoughts Create Your Reality by Pam Grout
Taming Your Gremlin by Rick Carson
The Art of Having It All by Christy Whitman
This Thing Called You by Ernest Holmes
Ask and It Is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay
A Woman’s Worth by Marianne Williamson
Imagine a Women in Love with Herself by Patricia Lynn Reilly
Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping
The Power of Deliberate Intent by Esther and Jerry Hicks
Living with Joy by Sonaya Roman